This Colonies Day, overseers across the planet will gather in caverns with members of their retinue to enjoy roasted larvae, traditionally distilled tree-sap liquor, and reflect on the holiday’s meaning. But as much as we treasure our household sub-units — and we do, seriously — we don’t always agree when it comes to current events, like last weeks Imperial Proclamation regarding new laws which require all humans to be processed by local plasma banks in preparation for the Great Hibernation.
Misinformation about the Great Hibernation is everywhere, and there’s been a lot of money spent to spread that misinformation — as much as half a zillion credits in ads, according to one estimate. Not surprisingly, many humans still don’t know how the new laws will improve their lives by allowing them to participate — in their limited way — in the greater glory of the Zalargan people.
You should be prepared when one of your plasma farm components says something like, “I don’t want to be processed into plasma and eventually digested by Zalargan nestlings at the end of the hibernation cycle!” So here are a few points to remember during this holiday season.
Situation: Component hX-00476 claims the new law will end the entire human species and dimishes Zalargia morally.
You say: Silence, component! Speak only when you are spoken to! You’ve clearly gotten ahold of some old talking points, for which your entire subsection will be punished. The human species will be preserved as part of the Glorious History of the Zalargan people, as a very prominent footnote. Not only that, DNA patterns will be stored in secure databases, preserving humanity indefinitely, at least until that storage space is needed for something more important.
Now, would you like more larvae? Too bad, you’ve already eaten your ration. Back to your cell!
Situation: Component dG-21935 won’t stop weeping.
You say: This will all be over by Processing Day! (Note: the exclamation point denotes enthusiasm about the magnificent rule of Zargon, not an instruction to reveal your third eye to your components, which would turn them into ash instantaneously.)
In seven moon-rotations, the day of great honor for your species will arrive. As you step into the cleansing heat of our planet-wide plasma-processing machines, your grief and nervousness will be replaced with a warm, fuzzy feeling. (A very warm, fuzzy feeling, in fact, hur hur hur.)
Situation: Whilst pouring you some larvae nectar, a component you don’t recognize attempts to sever your head from your thorax with a concealed vibro-blade.
You say: Foolish component! Your pitiful human weapons are no match for my superior physiology. Guards, seize this wretch! Throw him in chains.
Pay heed, you other components, to the fate of one who dares defy a Zalargan! You miserable vermin. You should be grateful that your fluids can serve a purpose, however base, in the continuing dominion of the most illustrious race the galaxy has ever seen. Long live the Emperor!
Published on July 6th, 2015